Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I think I’m gonna be sick
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks