Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.