Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?

4: I’m going to be a mom.

Me: That sounds fun!

4: No, it won’t be.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

Story time

Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.

But with a hell of a lot more swearing.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app