Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend