Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
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The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
A man I dated briefly 12 years ago sent me a message yesterday and I was reminded of our first date where he brought me an elaborate gift bag that contained a single potato
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas