Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .

Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.

Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.

oh you like architecture? name three walls

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

End of date

Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night

Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss

Me: *honks horn as I speed away *

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

incredible google review i just found

People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.