Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.