Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
O Wise One….
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Sorry. Not sorry
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we