Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.