Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.