her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Yes my dude
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself