Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.

Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

figuring out my emotional availability:

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*