Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This kid will have a bright future.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.

ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

Seems legit

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion

The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.

I don’t make the rules sorry

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”