Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%