Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

My yoga instructor: Do what feels good. Listen to your body.

My body: I want donuts.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.

My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.

So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.

*strips naked*

“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Guantanamo Bae

Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football

There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.

Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”