Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

ㅤ

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.

Me: Did you check the hamper?

11: Why would it be there?

Why indeed.

[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.

this will hang in the louvre one day

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.

Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?

Me: yeah looks like it

The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Butt weight. There’s more!

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down