Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard

Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.