Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
OH. COME. ON.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers