Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.