Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.


TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess


Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.


Boss: You’re late! You shoulda been here two hours ago!
Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?


Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.


My bf asked me to act like a “naughty school girl” for him so I forged a note from my mom saying I don’t have to participate.


My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.


I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage


Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad


Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all