Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I like long walks away from everyone
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.