Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
You Might Also Like
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
gender is a sprctrum
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Everything reminds me of my ex
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
LOOOOOOL
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.