Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before

me: I always get shy around beautiful women

friend: just tell her

cashier: hi

me: *quiet mumbling*

cashier: what?

me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ

[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.

– me flirting

Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

I’m having an out of money experience.

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.

itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….

-history

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.