Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
You Might Also Like
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Sooo many times…..
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
i will not be silenced
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin