Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”