Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
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#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet