Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving

This is not me but this is me

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

them: ugh, could you be more annoying

me: oh god, yes

just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face

My coworker just told me this funny joke.

A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.

He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

She knows her part so well!

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.