Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

me: bye bye miss american pie

miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?

me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.

[Ouija Board]

“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”

Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ

“OMG HOW”

Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

[polygraph test]

Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?

Me: Committed, or been caught?

Tester: …

Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.

*needle goes crazy*

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!