Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
You Might Also Like
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Put my back out twerking in the library again
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Why is everyone getting married at me
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad