Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”

[inventor of the mirror]

“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”

[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*

[Starts to open package of cheese]

[Hears kids running towards kitchen]

[Escapes with cheese to car]

[Drives 5 hours to hotel]

[Checks into room]

[Starts to open package of cheese]

My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.

My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

notebooks need to stop saying notebook on them. girl we know…

me and my fake scenarios

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar