Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Sang to the radio on the way home today.

Got every word wrong.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

*4yo son, crying*

I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?

*sigh*

Parenting is hard.

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

[eating chicken]

farmer: YOU AGAIN

Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”

Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.