Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?

ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.

Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*

me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!

friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!