Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

A duv-egg? In this economy?

If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.

it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven

5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”

Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”

5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!

~Vodka

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.