Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb

Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind

*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone

*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?

Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!

I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there

God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

[Ferrari dealership]

ME: How much for this red one?

SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny

ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*

SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*

I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.

BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward