Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

Me: Can I be frank?

Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.

Me: Get out.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Great game to play with friends

“Bartender, there’s a hair on my ice cube!”

“You should have asked for shaved ice.”

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

waiter: have a good day

me: love you too

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick