Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school

My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

we all know this pain all too well

finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

Wife: You have no friends

Me: Of course I do

Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.

Me: 🤔

If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.

Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman