Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]