Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
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“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
definitely did not do anything wrong
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space