Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

[god, creating ducks]

Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know

Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that

Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.

PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.

Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have some company

If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.