Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?

I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Me: I hate Asian stereotypes

Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.

Me: Yup, that’s right.

5: And my brother will be 9.

Me: Good job.

5: And you’ll be fort-

Me: That’s enough math for now.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters

My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?

there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs

Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”

Me: Did you watch it?

Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

[camping]

Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?

Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.