Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

Gave myself a steam facial* today

*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.

Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.