Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
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If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
time for some seasonal decor
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.