her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
British people
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.