Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me

We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

i like to flex on them by shrugging

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice pack

K2: *fever*
SN: Ice pack

K3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice pack

K4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack

That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen

Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how