her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”