her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
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What the hell is going on?
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Lmfaoooooo
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*