Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
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Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
mom had nothing to worry about
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*