Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.

I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.

People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?

oh my god

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway

SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.

I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.

The game has officially changed 😎

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

[on a first date]

Me: So do you like puppies?

Her: Oh I love them

Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies

Waiter: Excellent choice, sir

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.