Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.

IAN: I broke my leg once

ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]

THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Hmm 🧐

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.

If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

I’m so pro-life,

I believe life begins at erection.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”

8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.

If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!