Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
You Might Also Like
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Money is the root of all wealth
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I was under the delusion I’m normal until I learned I’m the only person who wears pants to zoom meetings.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.