Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
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Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.