HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
You Might Also Like
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.