Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”

so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”

Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?

Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ

Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?

Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.

I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.

Cop: know how fast you were going?

Me: 30

Cop: faster

Me: 217

Cop: what? no 72

Me: 54

Cop: I already told-

Me: negative 12

Cop: get out

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.

Me: What. Like a cat?

My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.

I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it

She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.