Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
You Might Also Like
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
How to properly lift a body
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
what’s in a name?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”