Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I duck my head when I drive into parking garages if you want to know what kind of superior intellect I have passed to my kids
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Jail
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.