Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
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How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
No Google it does not
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Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
181.
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what