Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…