Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
excuse me
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
#ParentingFacts
