Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo