Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly