Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*

*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in

Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep

Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine

Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep

Internet: European dragon flu

Me: Oh nooooo

Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug

When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”

Just how popey was the pope today?

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.

if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall

Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!

Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.

Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!

hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”