Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
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I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I hope it’s French Onion!
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.