Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.

Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*

“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”

Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.

As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints

Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”

-me, trying to put a crib together

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see