Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

Our lord and savoury.

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

God: go forth and multiply

Me: [bad at math] what

Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.