Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”
*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*
Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”
Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️