[First day of class at law school]
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.
It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
*Morphs into a kitten
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War