Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
no their not
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair