@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

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@Cheese_Pile

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

@wolfpupy

if anyone tries to tell you your dreams are unachievable just remember i have crashed my dirt bike into all 7 wonders of the world

@DaHess1

Tonight’s flirtation brought to you by the letter Booze.

It’s a word? Whatever, man. I don’t know algebra and shit.

@TravLeBlanc

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

@meaganbb1

I like when I wear my glasses because then I have four-eyes I can roll at your ridiculousness!

@WhoToldYou2

“Be the change you want to see in the world.”

*Morphs into a kitten

@fowlerism

[Hardware store]

ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*

WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up

ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET

@ChicksRule

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

@RowdyBowden

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War