Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

The rest of the year

May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

God: you’re a kiwi.

Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?

God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.

Kiwi: really what’s that?

God: you can smell through your beak so good!

Kiwi:

God:

Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?

God: sure!

Kiwi: I smell bullsh-

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.

What’s a Messi?

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting