Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
It’s an epidemic…
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!