Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.

Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

[At Mall]

Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!

Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS

Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*

*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good

Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.

Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke

I only treason on days ending in y

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah