Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Imagine me naked.

Wrong. Fatter.

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…

BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.

Ouija boards are like unannounced phone calls for ghosts

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.