Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?

What if all the cashiers are married?

If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.

Me irl

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

What an exciting day!

First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.

#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Dr: What seems to be the problem?

Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.

Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?

Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”

The future:

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

How to numbers:

1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.