Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?

me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.