Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.

You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

🤣🤣🤣

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???

COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.