Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.