Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Me: I’m way tougher than you.

Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.

Me: So?

Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

How to draw a duck

Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

This is my brand.

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

[date]

EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]

REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”

My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.

Good morning

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.