Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
That eye roll….
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.