Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.

Coworker: Stop

Me: collaborate and listen

Coworker: Don’t

Me: you forget about me

Coworker: Hey!

Me: teacher, leave them kids alone

sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours

My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.

The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now