Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

(first day as a marine scientist)

Me: When do we get to…

Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Happy birthday to all the women

Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.