Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again

genie: you can’t wish for more wishes

me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world

genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan

me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes

alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school