Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something

my printer: *territorial printer noises*

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

want me to check your oil?

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?

I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.

Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.

8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.

Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.

-me, flirting

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS