Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”

you, an idiot: *eats a snack*

me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

“I hate confrontation”

“No, you don’t”

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*

me: please, no! I have a baby!

torturer: how old?

me: three months

torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?