Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what